


with fate as malleable as clay

by deer_lovely_lily



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bittersweet Ending, F/M, First Kiss, Mild Hurt/Comfort, basically the noah/blue kiss scene but with adam/blue, or alternative bluedam breakup scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26324209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deer_lovely_lily/pseuds/deer_lovely_lily
Summary: “I get that you don’t need to give a reason for not kissing me. But I know there’s something more you’re keeping from me. Something bigger. I can’t figure it out. I thought it was me for the longest time.” He turned his face towards her, propping himself up on his elbow so that his good ear could still hear her. “But it’s not just me, is it?”Blue felt her heart drop right through her ribs and sink down into the earth beneath her, burying itself amongst the tangled roots of the trees.“No. It’s not just you.”
Relationships: Adam Parrish & Blue Sargent, Adam Parrish/Blue Sargent
Comments: 22
Kudos: 61





	with fate as malleable as clay

**Author's Note:**

> title from ‘bridges and balloons’ by joanna newsom.

It was a warm summer’s day. Blue was lying next to Adam off the side of the bike trail that they had just cycled. They lazed on their backs in the long, cool grass, heads close together, shaded from the sun by a grove of thin spidery trees. Grasshoppers and cicadas and birds sang a riot all around them; every now and then a grasshopper would propel itself olympically over their bodies, or else make a brief landing on their arms and legs before hopping back into the grass again. Their bikes had been discarded some way away, leaning haphazardly against an old tree stump that had sprouted little white button mushrooms. 

Adam had stopped by her house on his bike a couple of hours before, asking if she wanted to come with him for a ride; he said he figured they had some stuff to talk about. Blue had agreed.

She angled her face towards him now. He was staring up through the dappled light of the trees above them, seemingly lost in thought. Blue plucked a long blade of grass next to her and leaned over to brush it against his nose; he blinked twice in surprise, then smirked, batting it away with his hand.

“You seem peaceful,” Blue said, glad to have found an excuse to make him smile. She flicked the blade of grass back into the wilderness.

“I am,” Adam said, his gaze flickering between the leaves of the trees above them. “Ever since I aligned myself with the line properly. It’s weird. I feel like I can think more clearly now. Like, there was so much happening in my head before and it felt like I was being torn in all directions and now it’s just… clear.” He paused for a moment and then corrected himself, “Clear _er_. Cabeswater’s still in my head, it’s just not taking over anymore.” 

Blue had noticed that in herself too, this sense of clarity. Before the events of the Fourth of July, something unhappy and messy had been bubbling up between the two of them for a while. But as soon as they’d had to save Cabeswater, as soon as they’d rescued Ronan’s little brother from Kavinsky's car, as soon as Blue's mother had disappeared leaving nothing but a vaguely written note behind, everything else had been put into perspective. The messiness between them had bubbled back down again. But it couldn’t stay down forever; Blue had a feeling that’s why Adam had asked to meet her.

Adam breathed out through his nose, and she could see his colourless eyebrows furrowing in the way they often did. Then he spoke again.

“Blue, there’s something you’re not telling me.” 

There it was. Blue felt her breathing hitch for a moment. She was certain she could almost hear him working through what he was going to say next in his head.

He continued, “I get that you don’t need to give a reason for not kissing me. But I _know_ there’s something more you’re keeping from me. Something bigger. I can’t figure it out. I thought it was me for the longest time.” He turned his face towards her, propping himself up on his elbow so that his good ear could still hear her. “But it’s not just me, is it?” 

Blue felt her heart drop right through her ribs and sink down into the earth beneath her, burying itself amongst the tangled roots of the trees. 

“No. It’s not just you.”

Adam didn’t look angry; she thought he’d be angry. He just looked at her, his expression complicated as ever. Those roots were winding around her heart, she could feel them squeezing tighter and tighter with every second left unspoken. Blue breathed out unsteadily and closed her eyes for a moment, then turned to face the canopy above them again.

“The truth is—” She faltered as her eyes began to sting, and she pressed the heels of her palms against them. _Come on._ She pushed herself up into a sitting position, curling down over her knees, and tried again. “The truth is I have this curse. Not a dumb superstition type thing, a _real_ curse, that I was born with. All my life every psychic I’ve ever met has told me that if I kiss my true love he’ll die.”

There was a silence that followed her confession. She risked a look at Adam; he was gazing at the space between the trees, thinking.

A blackbird flew down into the grass in front of them, regarding them as it cocked its head to the side warily. They both watched it hop around the clearing.

“It’s not going to be me, is it?”

The blackbird darted back up into the canopy. Blue stared at the grass in front of her, her vision blurring as the tears welled up. She shook her head.

Adam sighed in a small, sad way, as if he had seen this coming. The roots dug into her heart, now; it was pumping blood into the dirt, spilling out like a libation. 

“I guess... it makes sense. It was nice at the beginning, before we really knew each other. But it was never...” He trailed off.

 _It was never love_ , Blue thought. She looked at him. “Are you angry? You can be angry. I am.” 

Adam glanced at her, and his expression softened when he saw her face. He reached over to carefully brush a tear away from her cheek with his finger – such a gentle gesture that it did the exact opposite of its intended purpose. Blue felt two more tears stubbornly race down her cheeks as soon as his hand pulled away again.

“I think I knew that it wasn’t going to be you either. We just kept missing each other, huh?”

Blue stared into the clearing ahead where the blackbird had previously been. She didn’t know what to say. They were quiet for what felt like a very long time. A grasshopper landed on her arm and she flicked it away irritably, sniffing and wiping the heel of her hand across her cheek.

“Blue,” Adam said, leaning forwards to join her, nudging her leg with his knee. Blue turned her face away slightly so he couldn’t see her dry her eyes. “Not that it matters or anything, but,” he paused, wrapping his arms loosely around his knees, “well, I still think you’re the prettiest girl I know.”

Blue laughed quietly and turned around, drying her face with the back of her hand. He was resting his chin on his knee; he smiled gently at her.

Blue asked, “Is this a breakup? I’ve never had one before.” 

“I don’t know,” Adam confessed, “I’ve definitely never had one like this.”

They looked at one another for another moment before breathing out unsteady laughs.

“You’re not angry?” Blue asked, and Adam shook his head, brushing his fingers through the grass next to him.

“No, not angry. Not really. I mostly just wish you’d told me all this before. I felt like I’d done something wrong, or that maybe you just didn’t want me. I didn’t know why you were with me.”

“I _did_ want you. Really. I just didn’t want to risk kissing you, before. How was I ever meant to know if someone is or isn’t my ‘true love’? How do you even define that? The average person falls in love four times in their lifetime. Does one love make any of the others any less ‘true’?” Blue sighed heavily and fell onto her back again, covering her face with her hands. “Sorry.” 

“You haven’t thought about it too much, then,” Adam said, and Blue laughed from behind her hands. It was a few moments before Adam spoke again, more carefully; “What did you mean ‘before’?”

“Hm?” Blue slid her hands down from her face and over her chest, one hand gently folded on top of the other as if she were laying in a coffin. She looked up at Adam; he looked back down at her. 

“You said you didn’t want to risk it with me, _before._ Before… before you knew that you didn’t love me? You wanted to kiss me back then?”

Unbelievably, Blue felt herself blush. 

“I mean, yeah. I like you. And you’re, you know… attractive,” Blue couldn’t help but cringe slightly at her own words; she could practically hear Orla’s teasing in her head. Adam smirked, and Blue scrunched her face up awkwardly. “Shut up, you know what I mean. The point is, I’ve never kissed _anybody_ before. So it's like, yeah, I _wanted_ to kiss you, but I just couldn’t. It’s been my rule for as long as I can remember: Don’t kiss anybody, and then no one gets hurt – or killed.” She added darkly. She plucked up a bouquet of grass next to her, realising that she needed something to busy her hands with. “I hurt you anyway though. This curse thing was a whole lot easier to deal with before I met you. No offence.”

Adam leaned back on his hands and squinted up through the trees again. “If you knew that you didn’t love me, why didn’t you just kiss me anyway?”

Blue scoffed, “I couldn’t _use_ you like that. It wouldn’t be fair on either of us.”

A quiet settled between them, and then, strangely, Adam looked like he was about to smile. He turned his head away slightly, as though a funny or rude thought had just occurred to him.

“What?” Blue asked. 

Adam shook his head, once, jerkily, the semblance of a smile still on his lips. “Nothing.”

“Liar. Tell me.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll get embarrassed and then it’ll be weird and then I’ll regret having said anything.”

“Don’t _assume_ you know how I’ll react,” Blue replied, a little hotly. “Just tell me.”

Adam looked at her dead-on. “Do you still want to kiss me?”

“I— that's—" She could feel herself blushing. _Dammit._ She knew in her heart that she didn’t love Adam. But she still _liked_ him; he was still the strange and elegant person she had first met at Nino’s. Adam sucked in his bottom lip, trying and failing to hide a humorous smile, which Blue caught in the corner of her eye. “Oh, shut up.”

He laughed, brushing the knuckle of his forefinger against the tip of his nose, before answering, “I’m just saying. I’m not the one your curse is talking about. If you still wanted to kiss me, I wouldn’t mind. I’d still quite like to kiss you, Blue.”

His accent slipped and curved around her name, conveying the sincerity behind his words. Blue hadn’t expected this. She sat up slowly, not sure what to say.

Adam glanced at her, and added, “It’s okay if not.”

“No, I want to!” Blue said, before she could think. Adam looked at her, surprised. She felt her cheeks glow warmer still. “I mean. I don’t if _you_ don’t, I just,” she sighed and looked at him, plainly. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Adam smiled quietly; honestly. “You’re not going to lose me, Blue.”

Blue bit her lip, her heart climbing back up through the soil again. She shifted herself around so that she was facing him.

“Adam, can I kiss you?”

Adam’s gaze flitted back and forth between her eyes; he lifted his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Then he nodded. Blue’s heart was beating so hard she thought Adam could probably see her skin pulsing with it. She leaned forwards and pressed her lips to his, quickly, suddenly; it clearly took them both by surprise. She’d pulled back before he even had a chance to close his eyes. They looked at one another for a second before breaking into laughter.

“Well, I’m not dead.”

Blue covered her face in embarrassment. “I kind of wish _I_ were,” she said, voice muffled, and Adam snorted.

“You just went in too quickly,” he said, glancing at his hand as a small white butterfly fluttered past it. 

Blue peered at him from between her fingers. “I’m doing it all wrong.” 

Adam seemed to notice her unease; he reached up to touch her wrists, and brought her hands away from her face slowly. “Breathe, it’s okay. It’s only me.”

She looked at her lap, and took a moment to steady her breathing again. She’d just had her first kiss. She didn't remember anything about it. 

She looked at him again. “You kiss me.”

Adam’s fingers were still touching her wrist resting in her lap. He looked up at her, unsure.

“Is that what you want?”

Blue nodded. “Just show me how it’s supposed to be. I want to know what it’s meant to be like.”

One hand still resting on Blue’s, Adam reached up and wove his fingers through the choppy hair near the nape of her neck. “Close your eyes,” he said, his voice barely leaving a whisper. Blue’s eyes fluttered closed.

And then Adam kissed her. It was gentler than she had expected; his lips were warm against her own. It was all physical sensations that she had never experienced before; eyelashes brushing her skin, breath warm and light on her cheek, parted lips pressing to her own, careful and steady. Strange how it seemed to cause a dichotomy of feelings in her chest. She was starving; she was full to the brim. She was light as air; she was heavy as a rainstorm. It was too much; it would never be enough. These truths somehow existed within her all at once.

They broke apart. Adam frowned in a concerned way and then carefully wiped her tear-stained cheeks with both of his thumbs.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t. My curse did all the upsetting,” Blue sniffed, giving him a small but genuine smile. “That was really nice. Even if you’re my not-true-love.”

Adam said, “Is that what we call friends now?” and Blue laughed.

“Yes. Better than true-loves anyway.” 

They hugged then, hard, as if embracing an old friend they hadn’t seen in years.

When they finally pulled apart, Blue said, “I wanted it to be you. Just so you know.” 

Adam smiled sadly. “I wanted it to be you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading !! feel free to comment if you enjoyed it 💌


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